Jason, You Won't Believe It...

I'm blogging again! I think it's been almost a year since I last posted. You didn't miss anything. What! Are you kidding! You missed so much! I'm back in Atlanta right now. I just moved back up into the front room, my old room. It feels nice to be in a single, lofted bed instead of a triple-bunk that creaks and shakes every time someone breathes deeply or rolls over. I've been sleeping better and a lot these past couple of weeks. I lost a lot of sleep over the summer. Hmmm...it's been a good summer, a very good summer. Working at Camp Westminster was probably the most unexpected, tiresome, joy-filled, emotionally-draining, character-building, gift-affirming, prayer-filled and answered, community-forming, miracle-working, and worship-filled summer I've ever experienced in my life. It's incredible what the Lord can do when He calls a bunch of redeemed sinners together and throws in a few hundred children into the mix as well. Things are never dull, that's for sure. It's still hard to process everything that's going on in my heart and head. I've tried not to think about it because I know I'll start feeling sad. I miss my friends. I've tried to distract myself with the computer. I've tried to sleep it off. I've tried to dive into books rather than into prayer. I've tried to do everything I can to keep myself busy. It's so hard to rest. I am restless.
I don't need more sleep. I don't need distraction. I don't need food, or sex, or drinks, or facebook, or busyness. I need grace and I need rest, and that's only found in Jesus. Why do I forget that so quickly? Why do I wander so far, so fast? I'm a very forgetful person at times. One time Kelley and I drove up to my parents' house to visit them for the day. They live about an hour away. When we had finished dinner and hanging out with them for the evening. We drove back. It was about 9 or 9:30 when we left. Well, when we pulled up to my house. I immediately realized that I had left my keys, to get into my house and my car, at my parents' house. So, we had to drive back to my parents' house and get my keys and then come back down, again. What should have been a two-hour round trip turned into four. This is how forgetful and stupid I am with earthly things. How much more with Heavenly things?!
I need to remember what God has done. I need to remember that He alone is Great. He alone is Good. I forget, so quickly, the true character of God. I buy into the lies of the enemy, and I'm so easily driven by my own guilt and shame to believe that God is someone besides who He has revealed Himself to be. I create false assumptions about who God is; and I don't trust His words, His deeds as He has revealed them to me. I see this played out in my relationship with Kelley. Sometimes she used to put false assumptions on me. She used to think that if she didn't perform well, measure up, or "make me happy" in our relationship that I would leave her. What was she doing? The same thing I do. She wouldn't trust me for who I had revealed myself to be. My words and actions were being interpreted through her own paradigm, and so my actions and words couldn't be trusted, totally. She didn't see or hear me (Kelley, hiiissssttthh!). The truth is, there is nothing that Kelley could ever say or do that could change my disposition toward her. I may get irritated or frustrated with her. I may have sinful feeling toward her at times. But, my overall disposition, posture, love and affection for her can never change. It just can't, and she knows that clearly through my actions and my words as I have disclosed them to her.
So, the question is, "Why do I doubt God's disposition toward me?" Why am I so filled with doubts, guilt, fear, anxiety, and an overall lack of assurance as to how God feels toward me? I know the answer! Or do I? I need to relate rightly to the Lord as He has revealed Himself to be. I need to see who He really is and what He has really done! I need His word which is His revelation disclosing His character, His actions, His words. But, this God that I want so desperately to know and love is not like any other being. I am filled with so many flaws, inconsistencies, failures, sin, discontinuities between what I say I believe and how I live, lies, etc. But, this God, the God of the Bible who has been supremely revealed in Jesus is no liar and in Him is "no shadow of turning." He is "the Way, the Truth, and The Life." He is "a God merciful and gracious; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."
He is the God of all grace, and "grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." He is not my angry judge. He is not a distant father. He is not a brutal tyrant. He is not an unjust slave master. He is not a crabby old school teacher. He is not far away. He does not delight in evil. He does not enjoy seeing any perish. He is not a flippant, moody acquaintance. He is not a traitor. He does not break His promises. He does not change. He is gracious. He is slow to anger. He is patient. He is kind. He has my best interest at heart. He loves to bless and is Himself the blessing. He is abounding in steadfast love. He is overflowing with love. There is not limit, no capacity, no measure to His compassion. His grace is a fountain that never runs dry, a bottomless well. He is filled with every good and perfect gift, all righteousness and truth. He is above all things and He is the only one worth any praise or glory or honor. This is the God of the Bible. This is the God revealed in Jesus. This is who He has disclosed Himself to be, one who is worthy of all glory and praise but takes none for Himself. He takes nothing for Himself, but gives all away and gave it all away at the cross so that a sinner like me could have the blessing, and the riches, and the glory.
I doubt so much and so often, and I take shelter in my guilt and in my self-pity, but God has greater things in mind. He doesn't turn His back on me as I so often do. He doesn't get pissed off at me when I don't trust Him. He doesn't run out of patience for me. He isn't angry with me because all of those things He reserved to place upon Jesus, and He did on that terrible, terrible day at Calvary. His disposition toward me is one of blessing, and delight, and pleasure only because Jesus suffered His anger, wrath, and judgment for me, in my place. This is the Gospel. "This is eternal life. That they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent" John 17:3.